The quest to find meaning and purpose.
A true life mission is a north star.
After a deeply traumatic decade of my life, I began my quest of finding meaning and purpose in life. I’m still recovering from that decade, and in this recovery, I find myself continuously in awe and wonder about life.
That traumatic decade left wounds that rippled across the next decade, and I’m still solving issues concerning this suffering. But it was right in the middle of a most painful experience that I found my true Self.
They say self-realization comes in a wonderful awesome moment. Actually, I was doing Yoga and fell to the floor full of love for myself, and since then I wonder if it is possible to live like that and still be consciously aware of life around me. I literally was butt up, chest on the floor hugging myself in wonder.
There were no tears, just amazement.
Since then, the quest of my life changed to the Journey of the Heart. I understand it’s not difficult, because it’s following love and the highest good of all in all decisions, and understanding that life means us no harm.
Recently I’ve been struck with a few complications, and the lesson has been to find where the love is, always. And to find it, we need the beginner’s mind, to question, and seek clarity. The answers will arrive. This answer, the beginner’s mind answer came to me just now and prompted me to write this article. My aim with it is to inspire others to follow the path of their own hearts.
I see people questioning online, what is the law of attraction, what is manifestation, how to create the life of your dreams, how to find love, and so forth. Essentially, my answer is always “Trust God, follow love”. I’m a Spiritual Teacher and the difficulty I see in others in hearing what I’m saying is the same difficulty I feel in myself when I’m full of suffering and wondering why life is what it is like it’s pure pain all the time. The dual thinking of the mind, if it’s not good it’s bad…
I come from a half Catholic, half Buddhist background. So the “it’s all suffering” is deeply ingrained in my thinking… But I mainly follow the stars, the ebb and flow, and the rise and fall of the sun and the moon on the horizon. I don’t really respond well to dogma, particularly because I react internally with “it does not speak to my soul”. But I’m very open-minded to the philosophy of religion — I do find it appealing and beautiful, the metaphors and the wonder, the love in it.
I’ve become incredibly disillusioned about love, which is one of the great achievements of my life. First, my ideas of love were mostly wrong. Second, thank Heaven it is so. Third, discovering love with a beginner’s mind, rediscovering what love truly means, and rediscovering my purpose, meaning, and mission, I do feel like a superhero. I want to tell everyone about my discoveries and I want to play a part in making the world a better place. It’s all so exciting, that I’m eagerly waiting for the future to find out what more there is to come.
I’m healing anxiety, depression, and trauma, with this notion in mind: Only love is real. And it seems cliché, it seems naíve, it seems childish even for me sometimes… but I do find myself wrapped in a blanket of awareness and mindfulness every time I choose self-love, love for others, and patience for the highest good. Everything wonderful happens just at the moment it needs to happen, not before or after. Divine timing is quite the stubborn reality of our lives.
In healing I found a mission, to help others. In my Journey of the Heart, I found purpose, to find true eternal love. In my life, I found other people. I found that Christopher Maccandless said that “happiness is only real when shared” is so, so very true, and also, that we need to find our stability in our loneliness… even around other people, even surrounded by people, even never feeling quite with others or without.
I’ve been alone for 8 years now, mostly due to trauma and to realize that I rather am alone than with the wrong people, in an emotional rollercoaster of heartbreak after heartbreak. And I don’t regret it, because it did take me this long to discover that self-compassion, self-kindness, and self-worth are the truth of what heals us from all the suffering. In this, I figured out that trauma is the infliction of fear and suffering, and in healing those, I found wholeness.
I write to God often. And then I write myself answers with the clarity I gain from this understanding. I’m perfectly aware that I’m talking to myself, but the insights are helpful, and that only happens when I’m genuinely curious and ask questions that speak to my soul. Automatic writing it’s what it’s called because we don’t really think about what we’re writing about, we just allow the words to come out. I often give my students this exercise, and some have found it quite useful. In my letters to God, there are a lot of “but why?’s” and a lot of “because’s”. Because most often I fail to see where the love lesson is, where to find the purpose, meaning, and mission — and when I stop, pause and reflect, it comes to me. In quietude I find myself.
I’ve suffered way too much for my age. For a lifetime. And in this suffering, I’ve found a gem: “if separation from love wasn't painful, would you try and find it again?”
This is where I feel like a superhero. I put on my cape now, my mask, and my ice cream, and I scream from the top of my lungs that I’m finally free and can help others achieve this freedom, I know how to.
Nothing hits more than a slap from life that makes you giggle and go all butterflies in the stomach with the immense love you feel for your future. True honest love is so healing that denying it is impossible. I tried. I tried hard, trust me. I buried it so deep within myself that I even forgot about it for decades. The truth is, when the time comes for us to figure it out, there is no room for doubt.
And my path, going from a person who was too embarrassed by herself for no reason at all, to full confidence that I can help others, that I can support their healing journeys, that I can rediscover with others what peace and love honestly mean, that I can find the meaning and purpose in my life with the help of others, even unknowingly sometimes. I no longer have time for what brings me down. A friend once taught me the lesson of “There is no time for what does not make me happy”.
And I came to a place of actually googling “how to let go of the past”, and have been following directions. Nothing like a roadmap GPS for self-growth, it should be mandatory.
My spirituality saved me. My love for life returned, no matter the crappy circumstances, and my healing is here, happening. I can safely say I’m a success story, saved by loving the planet, the moon, the sun, and the stars in the sky, and by totally surrendering to discovering what true love means. And it isn’t over, there is so much more to find out, so much more trust and faith to discover, and so much water is still going to run through this river.
The fact for me is, that love saved me. I was deep in sorrow asking to die, just a few months ago. I felt I didn’t matter at all. I felt nobody really cared. I found sisterhood with people nothing like me, and even though I did have to remove myself, I will be eternally grateful for what I’ve found amongst them — the gem of self-worth when we feel the most unworthy of all humanity. And later on, rediscovering what is my own value for me and understanding what it means to put myself in a place of worth. I can rediscover a purpose in this, I can find what it means again to love. Starting with myself, I can find a place here, belonging in this world.
With all I asked for, healing came first and it is here. I have to celebrate this accomplishment. I can only say that finding my true essence made me understand the love that God feels for us, whatever you aim for God to be. For me, it’s the Earth, the living breathing beautiful planet… We are born and recycled here. We are part of the ebb and flow of organic creation and that is a miracle. It’s both a place and a being, it’s both home and the creator, the continuous creator of our infinite impermanence.
Love, light, and organic matter.